I saw that a colleague of mine named Peggy Hoyt has written a book on thankfulness titled "Thank Everyone for Everything" and it reminded me that I have been taught that my whole life. That the concept is so simple so as to escape us when we really need it. I know there are so many people who are hurting right now, feeling helpless and alone and not knowing where to turn. I am not going to make a religious bend out of this post as I don't feel that being thankful need be a religious endeavor, though thankfulness certainly is a big part of mine.
Being thankful need only involve looking outside of yourself and realizing that everything is not about you. We get wrapped-up in the 'me' of everything and forget that we are not alone. Not alone in problems, not alone in despair, not alone in misery, or pain. Just like we are not alone in celebration, not alone in laughter, not alone in love, compassion, healing, belonging, I think you get the picture, the list is as endless as it is diverse.
Now, I have not read Peggy's book yet, and it may have nothing to do with what I have written, but Thank You Peggy, for reminding me to be Thankful and thank you all who have read this.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Unmarried couples, What Happens If?
My wife and I were talking to an acquaintance about a business related issue when out slipped the fact that the person she had been living with for the past 9 years had just recently died. She was plainly devastated. Both had grown children and had been in previous long-term relationships that either did not work, or, had ended when their previous spouse had died. "The worst part", our friend went on to say, "Is that once he died everything changed." She went on to say that she had no say in his treatment while he was alive, she had no say in any of his burial arrangements, she had to get her things out of his house within one week of him dying and that his kids have not spoken to her since the funeral. This all has happened within the last few months and it will be a long time before she gets over this, if she ever does.
It would have been insensitive of me to offer my opinion at that time, after the fact. It would have just been the sort of 'I told you so' that she did not need at that time. Instead we both hugged her and let her know that if she needs someone to talk to, we will listen. We will also keep her in our prayers and visit her more often to see if we can offer any help to her.
The partnership, whether opposite sex, or same sex is not really as important as what it means to the partners. If there is a commitment to another that is important to preserve in some way, then it is important that it be in writing. The state of Illinois does not recognize unmarried couples in many ways. What happens when one partner becomes incapacitated? Who makes decisions regarding financial management? Who makes the health care decisions?
In the scenario above, since the couple was not married, the doctors/hospital looked to the family (adult kids) who made at the very least, choices inconsistent with what their father wanted. His expectation was that his live-in life partner would take care of him, make the health care decisions for him, but since he could no longer speak for himself, the system took over and that did not happen. Our friend, was shut out and made a spectator of a series of events that has led her to what what she is left with today, a gaping hole in her life with limited means of healing the wound and finding some sort of closure.
What could have been done so that his wishes would have been followed and she would not have had to go through the added pain of not being included? A Power of Attorney for either, or both, finances and health care would be a start. Separate Revocable Living Trusts spelling-out the terms and conditions relating to 'who makes what decisions' and 'who gets what' would have helped address the longer term issues. The re-titling of assets can be an effective tool as well.
I think the single most important factor is to consult with an Estate Planning attorney who will listen. Listen to what each partner brings to the relationship and to what extent each partner wants the other partner involved should one of them become incapacitated, or die. A well documented estate plan consisting of Separate Revocable Living Trusts, Health care Power of Attorney, Durable Power of Attorney for Property and Living Wills could have spelled-out the wishes and goals of each partner for the other.
Additionally, keeping the Estate Plan current and updated is extremely important, because changes in the couples circumstances must be documented correctly or the couple risks losing the effectiveness of the plan.
If you have questions, or, if you want to talk more about this type of planning, please contact me to schedule an appointment. Initial consultations are free.
My wife and I were talking to an acquaintance about a business related issue when out slipped the fact that the person she had been living with for the past 9 years had just recently died. She was plainly devastated. Both had grown children and had been in previous long-term relationships that either did not work, or, had ended when their previous spouse had died. "The worst part", our friend went on to say, "Is that once he died everything changed." She went on to say that she had no say in his treatment while he was alive, she had no say in any of his burial arrangements, she had to get her things out of his house within one week of him dying and that his kids have not spoken to her since the funeral. This all has happened within the last few months and it will be a long time before she gets over this, if she ever does.
It would have been insensitive of me to offer my opinion at that time, after the fact. It would have just been the sort of 'I told you so' that she did not need at that time. Instead we both hugged her and let her know that if she needs someone to talk to, we will listen. We will also keep her in our prayers and visit her more often to see if we can offer any help to her.
The partnership, whether opposite sex, or same sex is not really as important as what it means to the partners. If there is a commitment to another that is important to preserve in some way, then it is important that it be in writing. The state of Illinois does not recognize unmarried couples in many ways. What happens when one partner becomes incapacitated? Who makes decisions regarding financial management? Who makes the health care decisions?
In the scenario above, since the couple was not married, the doctors/hospital looked to the family (adult kids) who made at the very least, choices inconsistent with what their father wanted. His expectation was that his live-in life partner would take care of him, make the health care decisions for him, but since he could no longer speak for himself, the system took over and that did not happen. Our friend, was shut out and made a spectator of a series of events that has led her to what what she is left with today, a gaping hole in her life with limited means of healing the wound and finding some sort of closure.
What could have been done so that his wishes would have been followed and she would not have had to go through the added pain of not being included? A Power of Attorney for either, or both, finances and health care would be a start. Separate Revocable Living Trusts spelling-out the terms and conditions relating to 'who makes what decisions' and 'who gets what' would have helped address the longer term issues. The re-titling of assets can be an effective tool as well.
I think the single most important factor is to consult with an Estate Planning attorney who will listen. Listen to what each partner brings to the relationship and to what extent each partner wants the other partner involved should one of them become incapacitated, or die. A well documented estate plan consisting of Separate Revocable Living Trusts, Health care Power of Attorney, Durable Power of Attorney for Property and Living Wills could have spelled-out the wishes and goals of each partner for the other.
Additionally, keeping the Estate Plan current and updated is extremely important, because changes in the couples circumstances must be documented correctly or the couple risks losing the effectiveness of the plan.
If you have questions, or, if you want to talk more about this type of planning, please contact me to schedule an appointment. Initial consultations are free.
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